At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents
in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in
every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There
are three sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes."